What if?

So many questions left unanswered. So many things left unsaid. Eating away at me deep down inside every day. Things I have always wanted to get off my chest. Things I have always wanted to confront you about. Things I have always wanted to blame you for. It has been 25 years and I have held everything inside the entire time. The first and most basic question is why? Why would you do that? What could possess someone to hurt someone that they supposedly care about? How did it feel to know that the consequence to your actions was that you never got to know your own son? When I think about life, love and children I know deep down inside that if I ever brought a life into this world I would do everything in my power to make sure I was there to help that life flourish. I know that even though you have been gone since I was 2 I still inherited some things from you. I have your temper. There are times when I just want to hit something as hard as I can. The only difference is that no matter how angry I am, I cannot even fathom hurting another person. Unlike you my temper has gotten better with age. I have outgrown most of the random outbursts of rage. I accept responsibility for all of my actions. You left because you are a coward. You preyed on those weaker than you and when you knew that you had crossed the line you bolted. You could have gotten help and been a part of my life. Apparently that was too hard and too much to ask for. You chose to be out of my life for good. You waited until I was a teenager to try to contact me. Better late than never? It doesn't always work like that. I do have to thank you though. I have to thank you for leaving my life and letting me grow up in a loving, supportive, violence free household with a father that loved me like I was his own. You know, I used to have dreams that I was a child and I tried to stop the violence you inflicted on others. I tried to intervene but I was too small. As I grew, got older and bigger, I wished that you would show up. There were times that I wished with every fiber of my being that you would show up at my house so I could show you that I was capable of stopping you. Then I get the news from one of my sisters, another of your offspring. You are sick. You probably won't live that much longer. When I first heard this news I thought good riddance. At that point in my life I still wanted nothing to do with you. I knew that you wanted to talk to me but the vindictive part of me did not want to give you any sort of satisfaction while you were on your deathbed. Then the news came that you had passed away. I cried. I cried tears for a man that I never knew, never wanted to know. They were tears of sadness, not because my father had passed away, rather tears of sadness for myself. Tears of sadness because I would never be able to ask you the questions that had always gnawed away at my heart. I blame you for the emptiness in my soul. Yes, I could have called you and made contact but everything you had done previously in life made that impossible. Your actions when I was 2 created an emptiness in my soul because that is one part of my life that I will never receive closure with. I will never be able to ask you those tough questions. I will never be able to confront you about the things you did to the people I love. I love you for giving me life. I hate you for never being a part of it. I despise you for hurting the most important person in my life. But I forgive you.